The Woodchipper: May 2011

Dearest,

If you have not yet heard, our days are numbered. The Cumaean Sibyl, stirring after centuries of slumber, has spoken Fate's decree through the modern-day prophet Harold Camping, and the tidings they bring are unglad indeed: the end of the world is rapidly approaching. Camping, an elderly Christian radio broadcaster, speaking from the decadent wastelands of San Francisco, CA, has proclaimed that this coming Saturday, May 21, 2011, is in fact the DAY OF JUDGMENT. Three percent (approx. 200 million people) of the world will be raptured at precisely 6PM (each according to their corresponding time zone), the rest left to suffer the great Period of Tribulation until their (along with the rest of the universe's) utter annihilation by fire five months later on October 21, 2011. So, prepare yourself. Don't make any plans for Sunday, unless you think you might miss out on the Rapture. And if that's the case, then you might want this as a souvenir of your DAMNATION:

"Wait a minute," you're saying to yourself now. "How can I know for sure that May 21 is the DAY OF JUDGMENT? After all, didn't this fellow Harold Camping already predict this same thing to happen way back when in 1994? It seems that he got that one wrong. What's to say he's not wrong again about 2011?"

Well, a couple of things to say in response to your very valid questions. First, although Camping did originally predict September 1994 as the date that the world would end, he left some wiggle-room in his prophecy to accommodate the possibility of its fulfillment in 2011. Smart, huh? That's just the way prophets roll. Second, the ancient Mayan and Aztec civilizations both predicted that some big fucking thing was going to happen to the world in 2011 or 2012 (see 2012, the film). I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like more than a coincidence. Finally, the application of some simple numerology to the Bible, a highly mathematical text, provides us with conclusive, inarguable evidence for the end of the world in 2011. Viz:

Through the accumulation of much scientific evidence, we can safely assume that the biblical Flood described in Genesis occurred in the year 4990 BCE (Camping, "The Biblical Calendar of History," see sources below). In Genesis 7:4, God proclaims, "Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth." Clearly an allegory. An allegory for the end of the world. But seven days? 2 Peter 3:8: "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." Days and years and ones and thousands are interchangeable; thus, seven days become seven thousand years; thus, the world ends 7000 years after 4990 BCE, i.e. in 2011 CE. May 21 corresponds to the "17th day of the second month" described in Genesis 7:11. So there you have it, incontrovertible, airtight, plain as day. But you want more, do you? Well then, how about some gematria?

1. 5="atonement", 10="completeness", 17="heaven" (source: Harold Camping)
2. Christ hung on the cross on April 1, 33 CE. April 1, 2011, minus April 1, 33, equals 1,978 years.
3. 1,978 multiplied by 365.2422 (number of days in a solar year) equals 722,499.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 (date for the Rapture) equals 51 days.
5. 51 added to 722,499 equals 722,500.
6. (5 x 10 x 17) squared, or ("atonement" times "completeness" times "heaven," the story of God's salvation of humanity) squared, is also equal to 722,500.

I hope this has been sufficient evidence to persuade you to the truth. By the time you read this, you will probably only have a few hours before you are judged. I wish you the best, but if we all happen to be around come Sunday, well, party at my place. Cheers.

Sources:
Harold Camping: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Camping
2011 End of the World: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_end_times_prediction
Biblical Calendar of History: http://www.asa3.org/ASA/PSCF/1970/JASA9-70Camping.html
Judgment Day 2011: http://judgementday2011.com/
SURVIVAL KITS FOR END OF THE WORLD: http://www.2012supplies.com/

--DTS